It still hurts ......

It's been a week and one day since Alicia commited suicide and I still can not get over the fact that she's gone forever. I don't want to let go of her, I need her here with me.

But, she is painless now, and in a better place, a better place than here on earth.

I wish she would've had least said goodbye, because then I know I could've stopped her from doing what she did.

I have cried almost everyday since she has left the world. I started crying tonight when I was closing up the store, because I just thought of how much I do not want to have to say goodbye to her. Which I know is selfish and I can't turn back the hands of time ( even though I wish I could).

It doesn't help that right along with a death, work has been very stressful. My manager has not really been "working" in god knows how long. When she is there, she don't do a damn thing. She just wants us to do everything for her, so she don't have shit to do .... well that's not team work. There's plenty more I could say about work ..... but I don't have the energy to type it .... nor do you probably want to read it.

My parents HATE me, and that's ok, because the feeling is mutal. They've done nothing but destroy my life and any self-confidence I may have had, it's all gone now!

All my "friends," have walked right out of my life. Meggan has been so distant, in which I don't know why. I told her today that I've been mad at her .... and of course she never said anything. Lisa is the only person who has been there for me, and she's been by my side for over a year now. Andrea, tends to think her world evolves around guys. So I've decided that I don't need anyone as a friend in my life, because obvisously it's me, not them. I obviously can not be a good friend.

I'm sick of being sad and lonely, but this is how it will probably be for the rest of my life, so I better just better get used to it. I wish I didn't have something to complain about all the time.

Well that's the extent to my boring life ..... no wonder why no one wants to read my entries .....

 

I Miss You & I Love You Alicia Joy Strauss!

R.I.P. Alicia Joy Strauss

This Journal entry is dedicated in loving memory of my GOOD friend Alicia Joy Strauss!

*We miss you and we love you! You will always be in our hearts and thoughts!*

My good friend Alicia Joy Strauss passed away friday. I was in denial this whole week. When I got the call Saturday I was in total disbelief. I kept saying, "There's no way! She'll be saying in a week or so that it was a joke and that this was just for everybody to be together." I kept thinking there was someway that she faked her pulse not beating, and that it was just her way of making everyone coming together for a laugh. She used to always do disappearing acts (along with her ex-girlfriend) when they lived down the hall from me. So, I just thought this was another one of those acts, I was NOT ready to admit that Alicia was TRULY resting in heaven and I finally had to deal with a death of a loved one. Alicia was the first person that I've known to pass away. I never had any friends or family pass away. She was the first, so it didn't sink in until tonight when I was at her viewing. I bawled so hard that I couldn't breathe and my good friend Dee (which was Alicia's ex and best friend for 9 years, but Dee is also my sister's ex and Dee is also one of my CLOSE friends) jumped the first time she heard me do it, then she started rubbing my back, trying to comfort me, but it just wasn't working. When I walked up to the casket, I thought she was going to jump up at me and say, "Ha, I got you Theresa!" "Ha, I got everybody, now where's the party? Let's go celebrate my life!" It was horrible looking at her like that, she was beaten really bad, and the makeup was not covering it, she had black and blue marks everywhere. I started thinking of stupid things we used to say and do. When I walked up to say my final goodbye, I was standing there with Julie (her ex, that broke up with her about 2 or 3 weeeks before her death) and Dee, I started thinking about how Julie and Alicia used to come down the hall and say to me, "Theresa, let me pop all your pipples!" I would always say, "NO! That's gross!" Of course Julie and Alicia would not take NO for an answer, so they would get Dee to help pin me down and pop pipples all over my face and back ..... ALL THE TIME ..... so as I was standing there thinking about that, I turned to them and told them what I was thinking and Miah (lived upstairs from Alicia, and someone I've known since I was like 5) and Julie and Dee started laughing and I was crying and I said, "Now who is going to pin me down and pop all my pipples?" Miah says, "Now I can't pour water on her head and watch her hair grow,  I lost my chia pet."

For anyone who has had to deal with a death .... I feel your pain .... GOSH it hurts SO bad ..... you don't know when you will see happiness again!

Alicia I just want you to know that I love you, I miss you dearly, and I will never forget all the times we had together. All the late nights. All the just sitting around because we didn't have anything to do. All the fights. All the times I always got stuck walking to A-Plus at 4:00 in the morning with my sister (almost everyday) to get everyone cigarettes. All the times we would sit out front of the club and just chill. All the times you told me what I was doing right or wrong. All the times that I made you and Julie dinner, because you two couldn't afford groceries. All the times we complained how hot it was up there. All the times we would argue over stupid LITTLE things. All the times we would run down to Tyrone's apartment to tell him something. All the times you would yell at my sister for running down the hall, pounding on the wall, her being lazy, or her being selfish. All the times me and my sister would try to come and wake you and Julie up, just because we missed you over the night, even though you were 15 feet away from us, in your apartment. All the times we would bum cigarettes from each other (when I smoked).

I'll never forget the day Dean's Newsstand caught on fire and me and my sister came running down the hall to wake you and julie up and tell you about the fire and how it might spread over to our house. You two were so sound asleep that you didn't hear all the commotion, not even the fire trucks that were right outside your bedroom window. Then when you two finally woke up HOURS later, we told you, and you said the next time, we should just kick the door down.

Alicia Joy Strauss, I LOVE YOU!                REST IN PEACE!

A day off?

OK, where do I start? After 11 days of working straight through without one day off, I was supposed to have off today. Okay, so I promised myself that I would sleep in late and chill all day long. I even told all my friends I was too, so they knew not to bother me.  So I got up at 9:00am (I know that's not really sleeping in, but I went to bed early), I got 11 hours sleep. I got up because I told myself that I was being lazy ..... so I got up. Came downstairs and got on the computer, tried eating breakfast (but the cereal was stale), got back on the computer, then my cell phone rings at a couple minutes past 10:00am ..... it's my managers house .... uh oh! something is wrong! Who didn't show up for wor today, was the first thing that popped into my head. So I answer and Tammy says, "hey Theresa, can you work today?" I reply, 'Sure, what time?" She states, "Right now!"

~~~~ Confusion in my head is going on right now!

I say, "Ok!" She said, "Thank you, Theresa!" I told her it was no problem!

(sidenote: I'm the ONLY one that will EVER come in off my scheduled times, no one else answers their phone, or says that they have plans for the day and can't come in .... but it's usually they just don't answer.)

So I go into work and the one good thing was that Stephany came down from the other store and set my store up and just put the "be right back" sign up until I got there!

It was such an unusual morning for me since I didn't come it at the regular time and I was trying to remember to do everything. It was such a disaster ..... I hate being out of my routine!

So there went my day off after 11 days! But hey it's ok! When all the other girls are complaining they don't have any money or hours ..... I'll be sitting there saying, "Wow! Look at my check, it's freaking awesome! I think I'm going to have a Gloria Jeans, some ice cream from dippin' dots and maybe something to eat from Ruby Tuesday, all for lunch today. Then I think I'll treat myself to one piece of jewelry. What do you girls think?"

No I probably wouldn't buy all that, but it be great to make them think so!

But I had the store goal in for the day by the time I left! We were at 117% when I left at 4:00pm! WAY TO GO ME!

I RULE PLUMB GOLD STORE # 489 AT THE YORK GALLERIA MALL!

 Anyways, have a great day all!

I'm so tired of the saying .... I was just like you at that age!

I'm so sick and tired of everyone saying, "I was just like you when I was your age, beleive me as you grow up more, you'll change your mind and feelings about things."

NO! MAYBE I WON'T!

How do people know what I'm going to do. Nobody knows my past as a child and growing up in this family. Therefore, I think I know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I don't want to get married and NO I don't want ANY kids.

Please don't start juding me by that last sentence because I'm not like alot of other people that say that. I've had a very HORRIBLE childhood that has made me this way.

I'm scared to death of turning out like my mother that I don't want a family of my own. I was always scared to be around my mom as a child let alone turn out like her. I was always crying to the police to take me away .... I even ran away once because I couldn't take it anymore.  I went to my friends house and her parents told me to stay there until they figured out something, I was scared to death to go home. I thought my mom and her fiance would kill me when I came home. The cops never helped me, because my mom's fiance knew almost every cop on the city police force, so he would always pull them to another room and lie to them and they would think I was lying (because I was the child), so they would ALWAYS make me go back home.

My mother is already (and has been since graduation day, over 3 years ago), to have a baby. WHY is my mom so psycotic? And why does she have to be my mother.

I'm only 20 years old and I'm not ready to have a child. (and I don't want any) My mom has ruined one of my most memorable parts of life and I REFUSE to let her do it to another one.  She only wants me to have a child because she wants to be a grandmother before she dies ..... which it's not like she's going to die today!

She has 2 other children that can do this for her! Well one can't right now because he is way to young, he's only 12. My sister on the other hand is 23 years old and can have children for her so I don't have to.

My mom has always choosen me to destroy my happiness. She never treated my brother or sister like this ..... ONLY ME! WHY? I was always the "GOOD" child. I graduated high school .... my sister didn't .... and my brother probably won't. They both were taken from my mom and put into children homes. (Where "bad" kids go) They both where kicked out of school I don't know how many times. They were ALWAYSin trouble.

I, on the other hand, was always good. Never got in trouble (but maybe a few times, because every child does once in awhile .... nobody is perfect). I got good grades in school, for the most part anyway. I got a job at 15 years old. I had to pay for my own living expenses (toothpaste, shampoo, clothes, shoes, school supplies, etc.), I had to help my parents (well my mom and her fiance) pay THEIR bills, I even had to take over my sister's nextel cell phone (that was when they first came out) because she got fired from her job and refused to look for a new job, and the bill was under my parents name so I had to take over the bill. So why have they always treated me like crap?

I can't take it anymore I'm a grown woman now, so why are they always trying to get me to do things I don't want to? Why can't they let me make my own desicions and be happy with it? Why are they always degrading me and telling me that I'm a piece of crap and that I'll never amount to anything? WHY ME? Why can't I have some normal in my life? Why do I always have to feel like a worthless piece of crap that is unwelcomed anywhere I go?

Well one day, none of this will matter, why? Because I'm going to move far away and never come back (this time), and my family will NOT be a part of it. If they can't help me and stand by my and treat me like a normal human being then I don't want them in my life when I succeed further in life than they ever did!

I didn't have my family growing up and I won't need them then. My mom, my whole childhood had BANNED me from my family. It was her, her fiance, my brother, and my sister and that was it. I was never allowed to have anyone in my life but them. She would scream at us for hours if we even asked her why we couldn't talk to them ..... let alone be around them. They were not even there for our holidays because of my mom. When I turned 18 I tried to be around them and for awhile it worked with my mom's mom, and her 1 sister, and her fiance, and 4 kids.

Then it seemed like the more I tried to be a part of them the more I felt different. They would always be talking about memories that I was never a part of. My grandma was close to ALL her other grandchildren ..... but my sister, my brother, and me.

Thanks mom, for ruining my life, and maybe you are right. Maybe I WON'T amount to anything. But then again maybe I will. And maybe that's why you treat me like this because you are jealous because you know I will do better than you. Or at least I will try my hardest!

 

Just one more thing people keep saying that I will change my mind about .... going out once I turn 21 in 4 1/2 months.

I don't think that I will be much into partying once I turn 21. I don't think that I will want to go out every weekend.

So why does everyone have to think that I will .... don't I know what I want and like? WHY IS EVERYONE TELLING ME WHAT I THINK INSIDE MY BRAIN? I can't take it anymore!

Please just let me be me and stop trying to change me! I know what I like, you don't ..... so just STOP!

PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, just leave me make my own desicisons! I'm begging you!

WOW!

I know it's been awhile since I have written in here. I have had a lot going on that I just couldn't concentrate on writing in here. I'll try to do a brief overview of what has gone on the past (almost) 2 weeks.

We'll start with fourth of July, I had off that sunday, monday, and tuesday. Did I do anything? Not at all! Everybody had something going on that I was not a part of .... half of my friends lied to me about us doing something. So on the fourth I just layed around and waited for Meggan to get off of work, she was the only one that I knew would stick to her plans with me. Unless something serious happened. So she picked me up then we went to her mom's house and hung out for awhile. We couldn't really see the firewroks from her house. Meggan states out of no where, "Nanny 911 is on." Well that was it! It was that simple, as I wish everything else in life was that simple. I then said, "That's it, we're going inside and watching Nanny 911."

I had to work wednesday, thursday, and friday. Even though it was only three days it felt like eternity. That was just because I had requested the weekend off to "vacation" at Meggans dad's house! We both requested off, so we could go to her dad's house. He lives out of town on a farm. There was NO cell phone reception! Which for me that simply meant, NO drama, and NO work calling every five minutes asking the dumbest questions that they know the answers to.

While we were there we blew bubbles, drew on the sidewalk with sidewalk chalk, played in the pond with the algae in the pond, walked all around the farm as Meggan told me stories of her growning up there, looked for the kittens, played with the kittens, cats, dogs, sheep, and said "hi" to the horses. We slept in late, ate all kinds of junk food, and watched tv ALL day long. We were like little kids all over again. Especially for Meggan because that's the house she grew up in.

Then I had to go back to work yesterday and it was not fun coming back after having the weekeend off. The store was a disaster area. I am SO organized at my store and they messed it all up, I couldn't work that well yesterday because of it being messing and not being able to find anything, because it wasn't placed where it should've been placed. So I spent the majority of the day cleaning up and helping customers. We were busy for a monday, I had the store goal in by the time the part timer came in at 5:30pm and that was even with a $114.00 return.

Then everybody that I hadn't talked to since the fourth, called me yesterday. First Andrea called as Meggan and I were walking around the fairgrounds. I declined her call because I was still mad at her for lying to me. I've known her for 6 years, how you just going to lie to me? Then I was at Meggan's house watching tv as Meggan did her checkbook, and Jenn (my neighbor) called me. It was weird because a few moments earlier I was just sitting there talking to Meggan about what had been going on between Jenn and I. Then she calls. I answered the phone. I was really mean to her and why shouldn't I? She had been REALLY rude to me. I don't understand how she can act like this after knowing her for 5 years. I'm done with the long friendships, because they never work for me. Lying to me, telling my mom all kinds of shit, and ignoring my calls. So I told her how I felt and she got pissed off and said whatever bye! Oh so now I guess we're in high school now when we do shit like that. This is why I was so happy to be away for the weekend with NO cell phone reception. She has been calling my mom non-stop all morning long. I don't care because I can be the better person, even though she is 30 years old.

Well that's about it for me and the past 11 days.

I hate this journal thing sometimes

I wrote my journal entry for the day and it didn't save it ..... so I'm not retyping it, it was long as hell.....it was a really good entry too

OH WELL!  

It only goes in with the rest of my day!

Have a good night all!