Sunday, July 17, 2005

I'm so tired of the saying .... I was just like you at that age!

I'm so sick and tired of everyone saying, "I was just like you when I was your age, beleive me as you grow up more, you'll change your mind and feelings about things."

NO! MAYBE I WON'T!

How do people know what I'm going to do. Nobody knows my past as a child and growing up in this family. Therefore, I think I know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I don't want to get married and NO I don't want ANY kids.

Please don't start juding me by that last sentence because I'm not like alot of other people that say that. I've had a very HORRIBLE childhood that has made me this way.

I'm scared to death of turning out like my mother that I don't want a family of my own. I was always scared to be around my mom as a child let alone turn out like her. I was always crying to the police to take me away .... I even ran away once because I couldn't take it anymore.  I went to my friends house and her parents told me to stay there until they figured out something, I was scared to death to go home. I thought my mom and her fiance would kill me when I came home. The cops never helped me, because my mom's fiance knew almost every cop on the city police force, so he would always pull them to another room and lie to them and they would think I was lying (because I was the child), so they would ALWAYS make me go back home.

My mother is already (and has been since graduation day, over 3 years ago), to have a baby. WHY is my mom so psycotic? And why does she have to be my mother.

I'm only 20 years old and I'm not ready to have a child. (and I don't want any) My mom has ruined one of my most memorable parts of life and I REFUSE to let her do it to another one.  She only wants me to have a child because she wants to be a grandmother before she dies ..... which it's not like she's going to die today!

She has 2 other children that can do this for her! Well one can't right now because he is way to young, he's only 12. My sister on the other hand is 23 years old and can have children for her so I don't have to.

My mom has always choosen me to destroy my happiness. She never treated my brother or sister like this ..... ONLY ME! WHY? I was always the "GOOD" child. I graduated high school .... my sister didn't .... and my brother probably won't. They both were taken from my mom and put into children homes. (Where "bad" kids go) They both where kicked out of school I don't know how many times. They were ALWAYSin trouble.

I, on the other hand, was always good. Never got in trouble (but maybe a few times, because every child does once in awhile .... nobody is perfect). I got good grades in school, for the most part anyway. I got a job at 15 years old. I had to pay for my own living expenses (toothpaste, shampoo, clothes, shoes, school supplies, etc.), I had to help my parents (well my mom and her fiance) pay THEIR bills, I even had to take over my sister's nextel cell phone (that was when they first came out) because she got fired from her job and refused to look for a new job, and the bill was under my parents name so I had to take over the bill. So why have they always treated me like crap?

I can't take it anymore I'm a grown woman now, so why are they always trying to get me to do things I don't want to? Why can't they let me make my own desicions and be happy with it? Why are they always degrading me and telling me that I'm a piece of crap and that I'll never amount to anything? WHY ME? Why can't I have some normal in my life? Why do I always have to feel like a worthless piece of crap that is unwelcomed anywhere I go?

Well one day, none of this will matter, why? Because I'm going to move far away and never come back (this time), and my family will NOT be a part of it. If they can't help me and stand by my and treat me like a normal human being then I don't want them in my life when I succeed further in life than they ever did!

I didn't have my family growing up and I won't need them then. My mom, my whole childhood had BANNED me from my family. It was her, her fiance, my brother, and my sister and that was it. I was never allowed to have anyone in my life but them. She would scream at us for hours if we even asked her why we couldn't talk to them ..... let alone be around them. They were not even there for our holidays because of my mom. When I turned 18 I tried to be around them and for awhile it worked with my mom's mom, and her 1 sister, and her fiance, and 4 kids.

Then it seemed like the more I tried to be a part of them the more I felt different. They would always be talking about memories that I was never a part of. My grandma was close to ALL her other grandchildren ..... but my sister, my brother, and me.

Thanks mom, for ruining my life, and maybe you are right. Maybe I WON'T amount to anything. But then again maybe I will. And maybe that's why you treat me like this because you are jealous because you know I will do better than you. Or at least I will try my hardest!

 

Just one more thing people keep saying that I will change my mind about .... going out once I turn 21 in 4 1/2 months.

I don't think that I will be much into partying once I turn 21. I don't think that I will want to go out every weekend.

So why does everyone have to think that I will .... don't I know what I want and like? WHY IS EVERYONE TELLING ME WHAT I THINK INSIDE MY BRAIN? I can't take it anymore!

Please just let me be me and stop trying to change me! I know what I like, you don't ..... so just STOP!

PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, just leave me make my own desicisons! I'm begging you!

1 comment:

nremt8527mla said...

hi, you dont know me but i just wanted to say that i read your blog entry and it really touched me. i hope you get everything you want out of life it sounds like you deserve it.
mike