Tuesday, October 4, 2005

65 days to go!

I have 65 days to go until it's my birthday ....

oh and not just ANY birthday ......

YEP .....

It's going to be my 21st!

No, I won't be going out ....

unless the girls drag me out ... literally ...

I have been arguing with them all for months about how I do not want to go out!

I do not want to be like the average 21 year old, going out just to drink and be stupid!

So to avoid any problems (which may even include, not being able to control myself) ... I'm not going out!

All I want for my birthday is a surprise birthday party .... because I've never had a birthday party!

And since I love surprises, I told everyone, all I want is a surprise birthday party ... I even told them what to decorate it with ...

That's right .... pooh, butterflies, and or tinkerbell!

Nothing else is exceptable!

I know that it will not happen, so I'm trying not to get my hopes up ... really I'm not!

I usually don't get anything for my birthday because my parents always said it was to close to christmas!

So I never really got any gifts until I was in high school and my freinds got me stuff ... but there was really only about 3 of them that did it 1 year!

Now last year almost everyone from work got me something ... in fact they were the ONLY people to get me anything

(well my grandma took me to a dinner she had to go to, and my sister got me some stuff ... which was the same week that we got in a huge fight and she kicked me out to be with some piece of trash guy that was cheating on her in front of her face, and all she had to say was, "Yeah I know! But I don't care! Because he comes home {which was to our apartment, that he didn't even live at but was there all the time} and sleeps with me every night! ... but he ended up leaving her anyway after some bad things happened)

I tried to give my sister the stuff she gave me back, but when she packed up all my stuff she hid all the presents in my stuff!

Yes this birthday will be very hard for me because of what happened the week of my birthday last year!

Because when my sister kicked me out my dad happened to call me (or maybe I called him ... can't remember) and I was on the phone with him and he begged me to move back home.

"I prefer you move back here because then you can finally get your life straightened out and stop trying to be roomates with stupid people like your aunts and your sister! I hope that you learned a lesson from this! Did you?"

Yeah I did ... and that's why i'm still here!

Because I WILL NOT have another roomate!

They're always bad news ... especailly when it's my family!

My family likes to suck money from one another!

They're all greedy like that!

But back to the point of why it'll be hard this year!

Not only because of my sister kicking me out!

BUT right before the phone call with my dad  I went up to Julie and Alicia's apartment to talk to them ...

They wanted me to move in with them ....

I was going to because I knew if I was around them ALL the time (because of living with them) I could get them off the drugs ..... (I really believe I could have)

I got them to stop before ... then I wasn't around for awhile .. and they started again ...

So Alicia told Julie how much she wanted me to move in and Juile said ok ....

Well I really really really wanted to move in because of the drug problem, and to be close to my 2 friends again ...

Instead I moved here and that was the last time I seen Alicia ...... (wipes away tears)

I really blame myself for letting them 2 get the way they did!

I did stop over a few times and no one answered the door!

But I didn't stop by enough!

Julie said it was because they were always on drugs and didn't want to answer the door!

The next time I seen Julie was at Alicia's viewing!

DARN IT!

LOOK WHAT I DID TO 2 OF MY DEAR FRIENDS ......

I KILLED ONE AND MADE THE OTHER ONE MOVE OUT OF STATE!

I AM A HORRIBLE FRIEND!

AND MY BIRTHDAY WILL ALWAYS BE A CONTINUOUS REMINDER OF IT!

 

 

 

 

(WHEN I STARTED THIS ENTRY I WILL ADMIT I WAS EXCITED ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY COMING UP .... UNTIL I STARTED REMEMBERING EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED THIS TIME LAST YEAR)

2 comments:

kathlyna22 said...

oh honey...you can't think that you are the reason your friend died, I don't know you, nor did I know her, but I know it wasn't your fault.  My hope for you, is that you think of your 20th birthday as a memory, not a reminder.
A memory you can hold dear in your heart.
A drug addiction is so much stronger than you are alone,
I lost a friend to it too.
I hope you realize this soon, and stop blaming yourself.
I hope you have a wonderful 21st birthday.
Kathleen

linnpooh said...

Oh Theresa,

I couldn't get to journals this week and when I came, just now, to catch up with my sweet friend......I read how your all down on yourself again. <sigh>
There is no way you can blame yourself for Alicia's death honey, nor for their drug use. They had the same choices as you in life....and unfortuntely, and sadly, they made the wrong one. No matter how hard we wish it....we can't fix everyone's problems, and when we can't...it doesn't make us a bad friend or responsible. You are an angel on Earth for your brother and other friends with your caring, kind, and giving heart, Theresa. You have been such a faifthful blessing to me in encouraging me in my efforts to lose weight, and you always bring me joy with your posts to my journal. I wish I were there, I'd give you a surprise party for your b'day and fill it with everything you want to make you happy. You matter.....and don't you forget it!

Love & Pooh Hugs,
Linda~