Friday, October 14, 2005

Something That Has Been Bothering Me BADLY!

 (given to me by Linda)

Okay so I have to vent about this ....

I never had to deal with anything like this before (well because Alicia was the first death I had to deal with ... as many of you already know)!

Well all of you know that I have been having a lot of trouble with her death!

At first I could not sleep for anything!

Well I'm starting to loose sleep over it again ... not as much as before but I still am!

Well to tie in with that ......

I had a weird dream about her a couple of nights ago!

I can't remember all of it, because only one part of it keeps replaying in my head!

I've pretty much lost memory of the rest of the dream ....

This is ALL I can remember ....

which btw, is enough to keep me upset for awhile .....

She never died!

She did it all as a joke ...

and when I saw her I screamed so loudly (and we were in a public place) and everyone was looking at me!

I knew she was there because everyone was meeting there to go see her ...

I think julie called and told me how Alicia did it all as a joke and I was on my cell phone with her as I was on my way there!

Alicia proceeded to tell us how she made it all work,

I said, "Well, what about your body, and your pulse, and so on?" .....

And that's the part that I forget!

So now this is the reason I'm loosing sleep, well I was loosing sleep before the dream ....

but it's caused me to loose even more sleep ...

because I keep thinking she's going to pop out of my closet or break through my window (which can be done), or something like that ...

I know I'm grown and I should know better, but I can't help but be scared to death!

I miss her is enough for me to be upset and loose sleep but this dream .....

It made it all worse!

I feel like I'm being a 2 year old that's scared of the dark or something!

I just can't help it!

I'm shaking as I type this ... and crying!

I'm trying to do this fast too because I have to walk out the door for work in 7 mins.

But I had to say something before I left for work ....

I had to get it off my chest, for it has been there for days!

I'm really am sorry for sounding like a big wuss!

Also, sorry if anything is spelled wrong I don't have the energy nor time to check everything!





Have a great day everyone!



billandnae said...

Hmm, not sure how to decipher that dream.  I would look into it though....check the web.

This could persist, or never happen again.

 You think tht's being a big baby?  I'm 29 and still make my husband come to the bathroom with me after watching a scary movie.

P.S.  Freakin' A...your J looks like an ad for my art journal...THANKS! LOL


linnpooh said...

You're not a baby....fear is a real feeling. I'm not a dream interpreter, but sometimes when I read your thoughts about Alicia I pick up on the fact that it's fear of the unknown about death itself that is botherig you. When we loose someone close to us, especially at a young age we start fearing the reality of death and our own venerability to it. I'm not sure you're even aware that is what you're worried's probably in your sub-conscientious. Have you ever thought about talking to someone about it? A Pastor or Therapist? It's nothing you have to do forever....and doesn't mean you're crazy or anything, but those people are trained in dealing with life & death and I'm sure they could help you come to terms with her death in a way that you can go on living yourself. Just a thought....
I'm sorry you are going through this and don't ever think your friends would think less of you for anything you feel. Always remember what I've told you over & over....YOU MATTER, so in turn, do your feelings.
Pooh Hugs,

nremt8527 said...

hey theresa,
i am in no way a expert at this. but i think your dream could be due to the fact that you really havent accepte that she is gone. sometimes our minds can send us signals that we dont understand. i do think that it would be good for you talk to someone about what you are feeling. because these feelings wont go away by them selves. death is a very hard subject to deal with and no one should try to deal with it alone. well i hope this helped and i hope you dont mind me adding my 2 cents worth

mizgraphix said...

Love the graphics in this journal !!!
you did a rockin job here so far ...
thanks for stopping my and requesting SO MANY
of my tags ... it is truely a pleasure to have
such a compliment !!

Thanks Again,

debrachurch3805 said...

Hi Theresa
You are not being a big baby about this, you're just scared of the unknown, alot of people are including myself and I am pretty old compared to you!! (I am 38)

 Your friend is gone in body, and she will NOT be popping out of anywhere.  She can only be around you in a dream.  If she was telling you anything in a dream its this, remember how funny I was!  And dont be sad anymore.  The part you dont remember IS remembered by your subconscious.  I'm thinking its something you cant handle on a conscious level and so you dont remember.  

I want you to get a book called Embraced by the Light by Betty J. Eadie.  This woman died for a short while after some surgery, she was revived and eventually wrote a very detailed account of what happened when she died.  It is very comforting to know.  I know you say your friend committed suicide, this is also explained in this book and it wont scare you.  This book is not scary, its comforting and will leave you going "Wow, well I hope thats really the truth because that sounds nice."  Its not overtly Christian, it is for people of ALL faiths.
This is good because currently I am undecided on the whole faith issue.  But I do know this, we have a soul, separate from our body.  There is no pushing up daisies here, we exit this sorry body and go someplace else when we die.  I have seen my own soul when I went accidentally out of body a year ago.  It is clear with water blue outline!  (Ok now I see you might think I am nuts. Well I'm not, I'm an average mom of two kids who had something wierd happen.)

When I get worried about dying (I have had an on again off again phobia of dying, since I nearly died 3 years ago)  I will pull out this book and read it again.  Sometimes I listen to it on tape.  Its the ONLY thing that helps me.

sieblonde said...

I have the same dream about my parents.  It's not uncommon, if that helps you feel better.   Sie