Friday, September 30, 2005

Stupid Attorneys & Stupid Witness'! (Mainly Attorneys)

I received this Via e-mail from a fellow J-lander!

Read this when you need a couple of good laughs.


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things  people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published  by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges  were actually taking place.

 


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year. 
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect! your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you 
                          forgot?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
                          sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? 
WITNESS: Uh....
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
____ _________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death. 
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
                         deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have
                          you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
                         What school you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
                      autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for 
                          a pulse?
WITNESS: No 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
                          began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and 
                       practicing law.

3 comments:

derasta said...

That is so funny....and you know, it doesn't surprise me how unpredictable people can be when answering questions...

scottjoleneethan said...

Hi There! Thanks for stopping by Operation Mommy Blog :) I appreciate it. Those jokes are too funny, so sad that they are real, my husband got a kick out of them too. Take Care and I'll be back soon :)

linnpooh said...

Funny stuff....thanks for the giggle.

Pooh Hugs,
Linda~