Thursday, August 11, 2005

My Letter to Meggan ... Watch out it's long!



I know I said that maybe we shouldn't talk anymore, but I was really frustrated at the time. You really hurt my feelings, not only that day, but for the past like month and a half ... I was holding all of it in though. I didn't know how you would take it. I mean look at how you reacted when I told you I thought you were acting weird, you thought I was kidding! Only to find out I wasn't kidding. I still thought even after we talked that night about it, that you were still acting weird. I felt like you would think that I was stupid or something for saying that you were acting weird. But the truth is I told everyone you were my best friend, I thought you were. But then again I know I have a tendency to think people are my best friends only to find out 2 weeks after I say that ... that we don't talk anymore. But that's not the point, the point is I also thought that you hated me, hated talking to me, hated being near me, and hated having to be my friend. I felt like I was clogging your life up with too many of my problems, so I decided to stop letting you in, to stop confiding in you, stop telling you all my problems, and asking you for help. Why? Because I didn't think you wanted to hear or help me with it anymore, I felt like you were sick of it, and you were looking for a way out. I felt like you thought that I wined too much, and I probably do, but I don't know how to deal with all the problems in my life, in which most of the problems are my own that I created. But that's why I needed you, my friend, to help me, support me, guide me, and just be there like friends are supposed to. I just felt like I was leftovers from when no one else was around, you called me. I felt like I wasn't worth your time, that I wasn't good enough for you, that everyone was better than me. How did I get that feeling? Easily! Whenever we would be on the phone and someone else would call you would say, "hold on!" or you would say "hey, (so and so) is calling. Let me call you back." Or "hey (so and so) is calling, have a good day (or night) I'll talk to you later." If you said hold on, I would be on hold for like 3-5 minutes, then you would say let me call you back, or have a good day (or night). I would try to stay up and wait for your call, but I would get so tired or just so frustrated that I just wanted to go to bed and sleep it all off.  So one of the following would happen, I would text you and say, "hey, I'm tired so I'm going to bed, have a good night" or you would text me and say "Sorry I just got off the phone, I'm beat, I'm going to bed, talk to you later" or when I text you and told you I was going to bed you would wait like an HOUR and by then I was sleeping, and then you would would say "Sorry I just got off the phone, I'm beat, I'm going to bed too, talk to you later" ... which in my view, if you really wanted to talk to me, you would've called me before you went to bed. Maybe split the time up, talk to the other person for a little longer than call me, but maybe I'm asking too much, maybe I was being greedy! There were many of those times when you cut me off, that I was in the middle of venting about something. I mean I understand that sometimes, you get caught up and when you finally get off the phone you want to go to bed, but it would've been nice if when i was upset about something you could have acknowledged the fact that I was upset and that I needed you to listen or maybe even give a little advice. I thought that's what friends are for. Lisa has been the only one that I could actually talk to about everything, including the feelings I was locking up about you. She was the one that took me to say my final goodbye to Alicia. You said you would take me to the viewing, then 10 minutes later you were on the phone talking to "rigatoni" and you were making plans to go bowling the same night of the viewing, which if you wanted to do fine, but then maybe you shouldn't have offered to take me. I didn't call you and ask you to take me because it was your day off and I felt like I was bothering you with something you didn't need to be bothered by. Therefore, I didn't call and ask you. Then to top it all off, you didn't even contact me that whole day to see how I was doing, with knowing that I had to go say my final goodbye to Alicia that day. Then I ignored your text messages because I was too upset to even deal with it. There were many of times that I ignored your calls or text messages. I didn't know how I could express what I had to say, so instead I just blew it off. Speaking of expressing feelings, I remember you were the one that said I shouldn't let people walk all over me and should tell them how I feel about the way people treat me, express how I feel about things. Well when I did exactly that with you, well let's just say that was the last time we talked. You wanted me to go out to eat and I told you that I didn't feel comfortable going, because you had been paying for everything that we had been doing lately. But you insisted that I went, and I almost gave in just to make you happy, but then I thought of 2 things that changed my mind and so I kept with how I felt. First of all with the way you were acting, did I really want to go out to eat with you. I would have been unhappy the entire time. Second reason was, you were the one that told me not to do (or even attend) things that I feel uncomfortable doing. I mean, you were the one that told me that I shouldn't have gone to Elizabeth's birthday dinner, because I didn't feel comfortable and didn't have the money too! REMEMBER! But I guess you can't handle it when it's dealt to you, it's like that saying goes, "You can dish it, but you can't take it!" Well that's how I feel about this! I'm not saying that's how you are about everything, but I do about this advice that you gave me! Sorry! Another thing that bothers me is that when we did hang out the past month or so, you were ALWAYS on the phone with someone.

Normally you know that I wouldn't mind, but, I started minding when it came an ALL the time ordeal! I don't know if you realized it or not, but I did! I really started feeling like I meant nothing to you. Then as if that wasn't bad enough, I felt that I was being blown off for everybody (anybody) else, anyone that wasn't me.

Now I do want you to know that I'm not asking for all your time, but if I'm your friend, then I think that I deserve a little more respect and time when I need someone to talk to. I'm asking that you don't blow me off, make me feel useless, or unwanted! I have enough of that just from my family, I don't needs friends like that! That's why I've gotten rid of a lot of my friends! One more thing that has recently bothered me .... I asked you I don't know how many times to go to the movies with me, AND I would PAY for you, because I know you hated spending $8.00 on a movie! I asked you I don't know how many times to go see "Wedding Crashers" and you wouldn't go .... then you tell me you and a couple other people from Foot Locker were going to go see it, that made me very upset, then I really started feeling like I meant nothing to you, that I wasn't good enough for you. I started thinking the only people that was good enough for you were the people that worked at Foot Locker! Then as if doing it once wasn't enough, you told me you were going again with them .... and you did it before and never told me about it! So obvisoulsy it's not that you don't like to go to the movies or pay for it, because that's 3 times you have went now since I've known you, and neither of those three times were with me!

Normally I would call and talk but you know I'm a very emotional person, I cry about everything. I couldn't call because I knew I would start crying before you even picked the phone up! Heck, when I got off the phone with you last wednesday (the last time we talked), I bawled for about a 1/2 hour! I have been crying alot at the fact of how our friendship turned out!

I spent about 75% of my day writing this letter, so I hope you take the time to read and respond to this letter!


I also want you to know that I do appreciate everything that you have done for me. Whether I asked for it or not. I don't want you to think that I've never appreciated anything you've done for me!



linnpooh said...

I'm glad you were able to write your letter, Theresa, I hope it all works out for you honey.
Pooh Hugs,

dazeychic said...

Good letter hun! Ill keep my fingers crossed for ya...
Im diggin' your honesty though.
Get those feelings out in the open and whatever happens happens.
At least you'll be a little lighter! ;)